IPS 3507 

0745 
|J8 



1919 




Copy 1 




K7 ■ 


A Rnral Comedy in One Act 


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Price 16 Gents a Copy 



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i"JDSTPLAIIlJONES" 



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Published by 

HARRY M. DOTY, 

Chatham, New York. 



"JUST PLAIN JONES" 



A Rural Comedy in One Act 



By Harry M. Doty 

Author of "In Old New England", "Sackett's Corner Folks", 
"The Jonesville Sewing Circle", "Spriggins' Quiet (?) 
Afternoon," "The Jonesville Board of Assessors", 
"The Jonesville Grange Initiation", "The Jones- 
ville Experience Meeting." 



AMATEUR PRODUCTION FREE 



HARRY M. DOTY, Publisher, Chatham, N. Y. 
PRICE 15 CENTS. 



Copyright 1919 
Harry M. Doty, Chatham, N. Y. 



■«'t 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Lysander Hopkins, who has a summer home to rent. 

Mrs. Hopkins, his better half. 

Sim Smalley, Lysander's hired man. 

Lucinda Johnson, the dark colored kitchen help. 

Mrs. DeSmythe, looking for a summer home. 

Mr. DeSmythe, his wife's husband. 

Henry Jones, also looking for a summer home. 

Mrs. Jones, a woman of the right sort. 

Scene — Sitting room in Lysander Hopkins' home. 



©CLD 52345 

• AUG -4/919 



V, 



" JUST PLAIN JONES " 

Author's Note — In some communities it may be difficult 
to find a young woman who will "black up" in order to play 
the part of Lucinda Johnson. This obstacle may be overcome 
by changing it to a "white face" part and having it portray 
the typical country hired girl. If the change is made, it will 
be necessary, in some of the speeches, to do away with the 
dialect and to make other slight variations. This suggested 
departure from the part as written will not be at all difficult. 
It may not be generally known that burnt cork is easily re- 
moved from the face and hands if cocoa butter, obtainable in 
almost any drug store, is applied before using soap and water. 



(Lucinda discovered sweeping and dusting. She continues 
work a minute or two after the curtain is raised.) 

Lucinda — (Stops work) Well, fer de Ian' sakes, I's a 
wonderin' how much longer dis yere t'ing's goin' to keep up. 
This is the third time dis week dat I've cleaned dis sittin' 
room and dei'e ain't no more need of it dan dere is of a dog's 
bavin' nine -tails and everybody knows it would be redick'lus 
fer him to have more'n one. I've swept and scrubbed and 
dusted untwill you couldn't find a sp6ck of dirt with one o' dem 
mikerscoop glasses what make t'ings look free or four t'ousand 
times as big as dey iv. What's come over Mis' Hopkins I 
dunno. Usually once a week is enough fer sweepin' and dust- 
in' but now she wants de hull house gone over 'bout ev'ry 
other day. Guess I'll have to git one o' dem mikerscoop t'ings 
to look at my wages with. Den mebbe I'll think I'm gittin' 
paid enough fer what I's a doin'. Dey is shoorely suffin' 
happenin' or goin' to happen dat dis yere darkey ain't been 
connected up wiv and I guess I'll have to do a little investiga- 
tin'. 

(Enter Sim) 

Sim — Say 'Cindy, where's Lysander? 

Lucinda — Dunno. Ain't seen nuffin' of him since he said 
he was goin' to town to git de mail and a plowshare. Say, Sim, 
they's some funny goins on here. 



4 "JUST PLAIN JONES" 

Sim — I want to know. What be they? 

Lucinda — They's r, reg'ler eperdemic of sweepin' and 
scrubbin' and nioppin' and dustin' and cleanin' and I's de one 
what's got it all to do. 

Sim — No, by thunder, you ain't. Lysander's had me 
sweepin' out the barn, pickin' up all the harness and other 
things and hangin' 'em on pegs, pickin' up every stray board 
and stick and puttin' 'em on the woodpile, choppin' up old 
barrels and boxes and doin' more slickin' up than I've done in 
all the rest of the tinx.' I've been here but I 'spose it's neces- 
sary if they do what they're talkin' about. 

Lucinda — What you all mean? 

Sim — Mean! Why. ain't you heard? 

Lucinda — Ain't heard nuffin'. 'Spose I^d be askin' you 
if I had? 

Sim — I dunno. Wimmen's likely to do most anything. 

Lucinda — Am dat SO? Well, I know some considerable 

white trash that won't do nuffin' if dey can help it. 

Sim — Who do you mean, me? 

Lucinda — I ain't sayin' who I mean but if de vest fits you, 
I ain't goin' to do nuffin' to stop; your puttin' it on. But 
never mind dat; what's dis dey all's goin' to do? 

Sim — Lysander anci Mis' Hopkins is a tryin' to rent this 
here house, and all the things in it, to some city folks to live in 
this summer. 

Lucinda — What's dat you're a sayin', white man? Rent 
dis yere house and all de t'ings in it! 

Sim — Yessir, that's, perzactly what I mean. Lysander 
told me so. 

Lucinda — Guess I'll have suffin' to say 'bout dat. 

Sim — You ! 

Lucinda — You heard me straight, man. 

Sim — What hev you got to do with it? 

Lucinda — Ain't I part of de furniture? 

Sim — You a part of the furniture? Well, yes, I guess you 
be, come to think of it, the black walnut part or the mahog- 
any part. 

Lucinda — It don't make no sort of difference what colored 
part of it I be. Anyhow I ain't no antique part like you is and 
I'll give 'em fair warnin' dat I ain't goin' to be rented to no- 



"JUST PLAIN JONES" 5 

body like I was a table or a stove or a wash tub or suffin'. If 
dey rent dis yere hoi^se, where is dey goin' to live, in a tent? 
None o' dat fer me. T'ink I'm goin' to sleep in a tent and 
have a bear or a lion or a tiger or suffin' come along and eat 
me up while I'm asleep? I guess not. 

Sim — No danger of that. You're too tough but don't hol- 
ler afore you're hurt. They ain't goin' to live in no tent or 
no barn. Eph. Pettigrew's got a job over to Kent Hollow and 
is goin' to move ouo of the tenant house next week so Lysan- 
der 'n Mis' Hopkins is a goin' to take them old beds and other 
things that's up in the garret, move 'em to that house and take 
just enough cookin' things from here to git along with. 

Lucinda — White man, you ain't lyin' to me is you? 

Sim — Lyin' to you! Course I ain't. Mis' Hopkin's sister 
over in Taconic rented her house all furnished for thi'ee months 
last summer and got fifty dollars a month fer it. That's what 
give her and Lysander the idee. They've advertised in some 
city paper and are lookin' fer answers any day. That's 
prob'ly what Lysander went to the postoffice fer. 

Lucinda — Well, if that ain't the beatinest thing I* ever 
heard of. 

Lysander — (Heard outside) Whoa, there! Sim, where 
be ye? Come and take care of this here trotter. 

Sim — Hello! Lysander's back. Trotter, eh? Might drive 
him four miles an hour if the gad held out. (Exit Sim) 
(Enter Lysander) 
Lysander — Hello. 'Cindy, still cleanin'? 

Lucinda — Yes, I's cleanin' but I ain't still. I ain't seen 
no time to be that lately. 

Lysander — Wheie's Betsey? 

Lucinda — Dunno, out in the kitchen, I guess. 

Lysander — Suppose you trot out and hunt 'er up and ask 
her to come in here. t 

Lucinda — Can't do it, Massa Hopkins. 

Lysander— Can t do what. 

Lucinda — Trot. 

Lysander — Oh, j'Ou can't, eh. Why not? 

Lucinda — Cause I's a j)acer. (Exits laughing) 

Lysander — I dunno whether I'm tickled or not over this 
idee of rentin' the house fer the summer. Betsey 'n me have 
lived here too many years to make any other spot seem like 
home. Howsumever she seems to have her heart set on it and 



6 "JUST PLAIN JONES" 

I guess I kin stand ix fer two or three months if she can. 
(Enter Mrs. Hopkins) 
Lysander — (Takes letters from pocket) Here's a couple 
of letters with New York postmarks on 'em. Guess they must 
be from somebody thut wants to rent the house. (Hands letters 
to Mrs. Hopkins who opens them with a hairpin. She hands 
one to Lysander. Mrs. H. reads silently.) 

Mrs. H. — Here'i one from Mrs. DeCourtney Frelinghuysen 
DeSmythe who says she thinks from our description that the 
place will suit her and that she will be here the fifteenth to 
see it and that she will bring her husband with her. (Looks at 
calendar on wall.) Whj', that's today. She says she wishes we 
would send our car to the station to meet her. 

Lysander — Our wlrat? 

Mrs. H. — Our car, automobile, I suppose. 

Lysander — Automobile, eh. Well, that's perty good. 
Bein' we ain't got none, guess I'll tell Sim to take the wheel- 
barrow and go after her. No, that wouldn't do, nuther. Never 
could git her and that there name of her'n all in one wheel- 
barrow. Let's see, what's that name agin'? 

Mrs. H. — Mrs. DeCourtney Freelinghuysen DeSmythe. 

Lysander — Gosh ! Comes by the yard, don't it? Bet a 
quarter that when chat there man of hers was a boy he was 
plain Cort. Smith. 

Mrs. H. — Now let's see what that letter of your'n says. 

Lysander — That's SO, I have got a letter, ain't I? Tryin' 
to swaller that name kinder knocked everything else out of my 
head. (Looks at letter) This letter is from Henry Jones, not 
DeJones or McJones or anything else, just plain Jones. That's 
suthin' like it. There's a name you can take in all to once 
without bein' afraid of gittin' an attack of mental indigestion. 
(Rlads letter, then koks at calendar) By Crickety, he's 
comin' today, too, and is goin' to bring his wife with him. 
He don't ask nobody to cart him up here from the deepo. 
Well, that woman with the name'll have to figger out some way 
of gittin' herself and her man here, too. 

(Enter Lucinda, hurriedly) 
Lucinda — (Excitedly) For de Ian' sakes. Mis' Hopkins, 
dey's a man and a woman out here in de yard what was just 
brung here in dat automobile livery stable of Sam Peterses. 
When she talks to you, she looks at you through a pair of 
specs that's fast on a stick. She wanted to know if dis is de 
Lysander Hopkins estste and I dun tole her no and she said 



"JUST PLAIN JONES" 7 

dat pusson what driv de automobile tole her dis is where Mr. 
Hopkins lives and I tolc her dat is so but it hain't his estate 
becuz he ain't dead >et.. What shall I do with 'em? Shall I 
repose 'em on de front stoop or shall I shoo 'em in here. 

Mrs. H. — Show them, Lucinda, not shoo. 

Lucinda — Show 'fjm! Show 'em! By de looks of dat 
woman I guess she thinks date hain't nobody what can show 
her nuffiin'. 

(Exit Lucinda) 

Lysander — She niust be the woman with the name that 
strings out like one of them there continued stories. From 
her letter and 'Cindy's description, I guess we're in fer an 
interestin' session. 

Mrs. H. — I guess we'll live through it. We've seen her 
kind before. 

Lysander — Don't be too sure, Betsey. Mebbe she's 
suthin' new. 

Lucinda — (Heard outside) Right dis way, white folks. 
Massa Hopkins and de Missis is in de sittin' room and dey dun 
tole me to bring you right in. 

(Enter Mrs. DeSmythe, followed, timidly, by Mr. De- 
Smythe. Mrs. DeSmythe is elaborately dressed and carries a 
lorgnon or double eyeglass fitted to a handle. She entei's in 
a very dignified manner, bows stiffly through the lorgnon to 
Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins and critically surveys everything in the 
room before speaking. In her speech and action she is con- 
descending and thus ei.deavors to convey the impression that 
she is a very important and superior personage. Mr. De- 
Smythe's speech and action portray him as a henpecked 
husband, one of the kind who "don't dare say his soul is his 
own." To obtain thi best results, these two characters should 
act their parts as nearly as possible in accordance with the 
above outline.) 

Mrs. DeSmythe — (To Lysander) You are the owner of 
this property, I infer. 

Lysander — Yessum, we be. 

Mrs. DeS. — Do yob make a practice of permitting your 
colored servants to usher visitors into your home in the rude 
manner just employed by this person? (Pointing to Lucinda) 

Lysander — I wan't payin' partickler attention but I didn't 
see nothin' so terribly out of the way. If there was, I guess 
you'll hev to excuse her. You see she ain't had much practice 
along that line becuz most folks that come to see us usher 
theirselves in. 



8 "JUST PLAIN JONES" 

Mrs. DeS. — Have tc excuse her! Did you say "Have to!"? 
Lysander — You heard me right, fust try. 

Mrs. DeS. — Permit me to inform you that I do not have 
to do anything I do not wish to do. (Turning to DeS.) Do I, 
DeCourtney? 

DeS. — ^,( Timidly) No, no, dear, of 'course you don't. 

(During the conversation Lucinda is an interested listen- 
er and mimics Mrs. DeS's use of the lorgnon by looking through 
the "O" formed by placing the tips of her thumb and fore- 
finger together). 

Mrs. DeS. — Now I think you thoroughly understand me. 
We are in search of a temporary country home and came in 
answer to your advertisement but from the fact that you 
ignored my request xc. meet us at the station and are so com- 
pletely isolated hero; our impression thus far is not very 
favorable, is it, DeCivrtney? 

DeS. — Yes, yes, Isabella. 

Mrs. DeS. — What! 

DeS. — I mean no, Isabella. No is what I meant. 

Mrs. H. — We rather supposed bein' by themselves is what 
city folks want when they come to the country. 

Mrs. DeS. — To u certain extent that is true but there are 
limits, (to DeS.) Arn't there, DeCourtney? 

DeS. — Yes, yes, Isabella, of course there is. 

Mrs. DeS. — Oh, DeCourtney, I do wish you would endea- 
vor to speak more correctly. Don't say is, say are. Of course 
it doesn't matter among these uncouth persons but what I fear 
is that if you permit yourself to form the habit you will em- 
barrass me among those of our own social standing. 

DeS. — Yes, Isabella, are is what I meant. 

Mrs. DeS. — ^Now, DeCourtney, I will proceed to business 
with these — er, persoji^\ 

Lucinda — (Aside) I kin see with a glass eye dat he don't 
have no finger in an; business she's got anything to do wid. 
Ain't she de limit though? 

Mrs. DeS. — (To Mrs. H.) How many rooms have you? 

Mrs. H. — Kitchen, sittin' room, dinin' room and parlor 
downstairs and five bedrooms up stairs. 

Mrs. DeS. — You have a bawth, I presume. 

Lysander — Have a what? 



"JUST PLAIN JONES" 9 

Mrs. H, — (Aside to Lysander) She means a bath. 

Lucinda (Aside) Oh, fer de Lawdy sakes. 

Lysander — A bath, oh yes, sure we do, every Saturday 
night. 

Mrs. DeS. — I arn not referring to your personal habits of 
cleanliness, I am endeavoring to ascertain whether your 
conveniences include a bathroom. 

Lysander — Yessum. the kitchen. 

Mrs. DeS. — Oh, horrors! DeCourtney, just think of that. 

DeS. — Yes, dear, I'm thinking. 

Lucinda — (Aside) Thinkin' is all he dares to do. 

Mrs. DeS. — Do you mean to say you have no separate 
bawth room with tub and other equipment? 

Mrs. H. — Mrs. DeSmythe, most country folks don't have 
those conveniences m farm homes, therefore a washtub in the 
kitchen in sometimes made to answer the purpose. 

Mrs. DeS. — We never could endure such- inconveniences, 
could we DeCourtney? 

DeS. — Yes, dear, of course. 

Mrs. DeS. — Why, DeCourtney! 
DeS. — I mean no, of course we couldn't. 
Mrs. DeS. — That's better. (To Mrs. H.) You see, Mrs. 
Hopkins, we are both of one mind. 

Lucinda — (Aside) Huh! If it's only one mind they're both 
of, it's hers. I ain't got no sorter use fer dat woman. 

Lysander — Well, if that's the case I guess there ain't no 
sort of use of us tryin' to make a dicker. (Aside) Anyhow I 
hope there ain't. 

Mrs. DeS. — I am almost inclined to agree with you but 
inasmuch as we are here we might as well go over the situa- 
tion thoroughly. You have a garage, I presume? 

Lysander — A what? 

Mrs. H. — (To Lysander) A place for an automobile. 

Lysander — Not unless you could run it under the shed or 
in the wagon house. 

DeS. — The wagon house would do, Isabella. 

Mrs. DeS. — Do be quiet, DeCourtney. The idea of keep- 
ing our limousine in an ordinary barn! It is preposterous. 

DeS. — Yes, yes, Isabella, of course it is. 



10 "JUST PLAIN JONES" 

Mrs. DeS. — You could, provide us with a servant or two, 
I presume. 

Mrs. H. — I fear not. We've only got one hired man and 
Lucinda here helps me in the house. We could hardly spare 
either of them. 

Lucinda — (Aside) I guess not. I's one of the conveniences 
she talks about dat can't be rented by her. 

Mrs. DeS. — Oh, dear, isn't it just maddening? 

DeS. — Yes, dear. 

Mrs. DeS. — And I presume there are mosquitos and flies 
here. 

Lysander — Moskeeters and flies! Why, say, there's 
months at a time when we don't even see one. 

Mrs. H. — Why, pa you — 

Lysander — (Interrupting) (Aside) S-h-h-h. That's all 
right. I meant last winter. 

Sim— (Heard outside) Lysander, where be you? 

Mrs. DeS. — What perfectly horrid grammar. Of all 
the bucolic places I ever saw, this is the worst. 
(Enter Sim) 

Sim — (Discovers visitors) Oh, 'scuse me; I didn't know 
you had company. Say Lysander, which one of them hogs do 
you want put in the new pen? 

Lysander — Better put the old Poland China in there. 

Sim — All right; in he goes. 

(Exit Sim) 

Mrs. DeS.- — Oh, horrors! Do you mean to say there are 
filthy swine on these premises? 

Lysander — That's just what and if I do say it, as shouldn't 
I've got the best lot of pigs in this here town. We don't make 
a practice of keepin' 'em in the house and if you came here 
you wouldn't have to associate with 'em any more 'n you 
wanted to. 

Mrs. DeS. — (Excitedly) Associate with swine! Oh, you-- 
you — Ugh! De Courtney, do you intend to stand there like an 
image and permit your own dear wife to be insulted like that? 
Do something! I don't care what but do something. 

DeS. — Now Isabella, do be calm and — 

Mrs. DeS. — Be calm! You ask me to be calm in face of 

that insult? 



"JUST PLAIN JONES" 11 

DeS. — Now compose yourself, Isabella, and I will give the 
man a real severe reprimand. 

Mrs. H. — Now Mrs. DeSmythe, don't take offense at a 
thing Pa says. He don't mean to be insultin'. At times he's 
one of the most comical men you ever saw and that was just 
his little joke. 

Mrs. DeS. — Joke! If that's his idea of a joke, I care to 
have nothing further to do with him. 

Lysander — That's right, lady, I wouldn't insult you for the 
world and I didn't mean it that way. 

Lucinda — (Aside) Accordin' to my notion, if anybody was 
insulted, it was the pigs. 

Mrs. DeS. — Very well, I will accept your apology but you 
may consider our negotiations for this place at an end. Mr. 
DeSmythe and myself have seen and heard enough to convince 
us that people of our social standing would find nothing con- 
genial in a place of this nature. DeCourtney, I cannot com- 
prehend what you was thinking of to suggest that we come to 
such a spot as this. 

DeS. — Why, Isabella, you know it was you who suggested 
that we — 

Mrs. DeS. — (Interrupting) That will do, DeCourtney, that 
will do. Now Mrs. Hopkins, if you will do us the favor to have 
your servant show us out, we will say adieu. 

(Mrs. Hopkins motions to Lucinda who goes to door) 

Lucinda — (Pointing) Down to de end of dis yere hall 
you'll find de door jes' where 'twuz when you come in. 

Mrs. DeS.-;— Ugh! Of all the impertinance I ever saw. 
(Exit Mr. and Mrs. DeSmythe) 

Lucinda — Say, Mis' Hopkins, what was dat she said when 
she went out? 

Mrs. H. — She bade us adieu. That's a sort of goodbye. 

Lucinda — I call it good riddance of poor rubbish. 

Lysander — That's what I think, too. I wouldn't rent her 
this here place fer a dollar a minute, much as we need money. 

Mrs. H.— Well, now, Pa, that's puttin' it perty strong but 
I ain't a bit sorry they didn't take it. (Door bell rings) 

Lucinda — Lord a massy, there's somebody else. I wonder 
if they's another pair of freaks comin'. 

Mrs. H. — Hush! You mustn't talk that way, 'Cindy. Go 
and see who it is. 

(Exit Lucinda) 



12 "JUST PLAIN JONES" 

Lysander — Mebbe it's the Joneses. They said they was 
comin' today, too. I hope 'tis. If we've got to have any more 
times like the one we just had, I'd kinder like to have things 
all over with at one settin'. 

Lucinda — (Heard outside) Yessum, they's both at home. 

You just come right along o' me. 

* 

(Enter Mr. and Mrs. Jones and Lucinda. Mr. and Mrs. 
Jones are "common, everyday folks", cordial and pleasant, 
just the opposite from Mr, and Mrs, DeSmythe), 

Mr. Jones — (Advancing and shaking hands) This, I pre- 
sume, is Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins. (Mrs. Jones also shakes hands 
with Mr. and Mrs. Hopkins) 

Mr. J. — "We came to inspect your place in answer to your 
advertisement. 

Mrs. J. — We were very favorably impressed by its out- 
ward appearance and from what we have thus far seen of the 
inside, we like it just as well. 

Lysander — That's where you are different from a couple 
of folks that was just here. 

Mrs. J. — Do you mean to say they were not pleased with 
this beautiful old. home? 

Mrs. H. — No, they didn't like it. Things were not high 
toned enough for them. 

Mrs. J. — What did they expect? 

Lysander — Don't know. The woman seemed to expect a 
lot. Her husband didn't say what he expected. She didn't 
give him a chance. She wears the pantaloons in that family. 

Lucinda — (Aside) You bet she does, and de suspenders and 
de boots and ev'ry t'ing else. 

Lysander — While they was in here I kinder got a line on 
what some city folks want so I'll answer a lot of questions be- 
fore you ask 'em. We ain't got no "bawth" 'ceptin' a wash 
tub in the kitchen, no garridge, we keep pigs and cows and ain't 
got no help to throw in with the place. 

Mrs. J. — Did they expect all that? 

Mrs. H, — Land sakes, yes, and I don't know how much 
more. 

Mr. J. — Now let me do a little talking. We don't expect 
any frills and furbelows. Mrs. Jones and I have not always 
lived in the city. Each of us was born on a farm and every 
year we spend our vacation in the country. For us it beats 
Atlantic City or any other fashionable resort. If we found a 



"JUST PLAIN JONES" 13 

farmhouse that isn't like those we were familiar with years ago, 
it wouldn't seem natural. 

Mrs. J. — That's it exactly. We want a place with furni- 
ture in it that's made to use and not to look at, a good old- 
fashioned rag carpet, chintz curtains, red and white plaid 
tablecloths, a kitchen sink with a pump that brings up water 
with the cistern smell to it, a few of those old straight-backed 
chairs and a couple of rockers with those old-time, hand- 
pieced cushions on them, that's our idea of a house to spend a 
vacation in. 

Lucinda — (Aside) Dar's a woman wiv some sense in her 
head. 

Mrs. H. — Well, I guess we've got all them things. 

Lysairder — You bet we have and lot's more you ain't 
mentioned. 

Mr. Jones — I hope up stairs somewhere you've got one of 
those old cord bedsteads with a husk mattress on it and on top 
of that a feather tick that all but covers you up when you sink 
down into it and one of those comfortables made of hand- 
pieced blocks. Don't know's I'd want to sleep all summer in a 
bed rigged up that way but I'd like to put in a few nights there. 

Mrs. J. — Yes, it seems natural to get in a room like 
that with a braided rug or two on the floor, an old-fashioned 
wash bowl and pitcher on the wash stand, an embroidered 
splasher behind them, some good old pictures hanging here and 
there and some nice, bright paper on the walls. 

Lucinda — (Aside) Golly, they's just paintin' a picture of 
this yere house. 

Mrs. H. — Well, it does me good to hear you talk like that. 
I supposed there wan't nobody but Pa and me that liked that 
sort o' thing nowadays. 

Mr. J. — We like them and we also like a pleasant piazza 
where we can sit and look out across the fields or down the 
road, smell the apple blossoms, hear the birds, see some green 
grass, listen to the tinkle of the cow bells and perhaps hear a 
church bell ringing away off in the distance. That's what we 
like and if you are ready to lease us this house for three months 
we are ready to pay the price you mention in your advertise- 
ment and will come next week. 

Lysander — The bargain's made. 

Mrs. H. — We've never rented the old home before and I 
do hope you'll be satisfied with it. 



14 "JUST PLAIN JONES" 

Mrs. J. — We will be. That we know from what we have 
already seen and we will be here the first of the month if that 
is agreeable to you. 

• Lysander — Yes, maam, it is. 

(Enter Sim) 

Sim. — 'Scuse me. Didn't know you had more company. 
Say, Lysander, that old Berkshire pig's rootin' around like all 
git out and if we don't git a ring in his nose right away, we 
can't keep him in the pen. I thought mebbe you'd help. Ought 
to have three men but mebbe you and me can do it alone. 

Lysander — All right, Sim, I'll be there in a minute. 

Sim — All right. I'll go and git things ready. (Exit Sim) 
Mr. J. — Did I hear him say you Want someone to help put 
a ring in a pig's nose? 

Lysander — He said we ought to have three men in order 
to do the job up in shape. 

Jones — Well, I'm that third man if you've got a pair of 
overalls and a jumper you'll lend me. I declare, this takes me 
back twenty years. Many's the job like this I did when I was 
on a farm. Come on. Where are those overalls. 

Lysander — Hangin' in the woodshed. We'll git 'em on the 
way out. (Exit Lysander and Jones) 

Lucinda — (Aside) There's a real man, not one of them 
imitations. Imagine that DeSmit feller tryin' to ring a pig. 
Oh, golly! 

Mrs. H. — Now Mrs. Jones, you and Mr. Jones have got to 
stay all night with us. We ain't goin' to take no fer an answer. 
If you feel you must go in the mornin' we'll take you down to 
the train. Lucinda, you go out in the kitchen and begin gittin* 
things ready fer supper. (Exit Lucinda) 

Mrs. J. — We intended to go back home this evening but I 
don't know as there's any reason why we can't stay over if 
Mr. Jones is willing and I feel sure he will be. At any rate we 
thank you for the invitation. 

Mrs. H. — Of course you're goin' to stay. Now you set 
right down and rest while I go and straighten up that spare 
room. Mr. Jones is goin' to have a chance to sleep on one of 
them feather ticks he was talkin' bout a spell ago. 

Mrs. J. — Sit down! Well, I guess not. I'm goin' to speak 
to Mr. Jones about staying over night and then I'm going to 
help you with that room and, if you'll permit me, I want to help 
you get supper. This seems like old times and I feel it in my 
bones that bur vacation here will be the best we have ever had. 
(Exit Mrs. Jones) 



"JUST PLAIN JONES" 15 

Mrs. H. — Land sakes, don't she beat all? Her comin from 
the city and wantin' to help slick up the spare room and to 
help git supper, too. Lysander 'n me are goin' to like 'em fust 
rate 'cause they'll take just as good care of the house and 
furniture as 'Cindy and I do. They're our sort of folks ; no 
frills and flummediddles and no stuckuppishness. "Just Plain 
Jones." 

(Curtain) 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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015 973 689 1 -r 



In Old New England 

Four-act rural comedy. A clean, pure and wholMome pUy. 
Now in its third edition. 25 cents a copy. 

Sacketts* Corner Folks 

Four- act rural comedy. Similar to "In Old New England" 
Adapted to small stages. Simple scenery 35 cents a copy. 

ONE-ACT HUMOROUS PLAYS 



Spriggins* **Ouiet" Afternoon 

It turned out to be anything but quiet. 15 cents a copy. 



The Jonesville Sewing Circle 

They did some sewing but not much. 1 5 cents a copy. 

The Jonesville Grange Initiation 

A burlesque. No horse play. Buy this, sure. 1 5 cents a copy. 

The Jonesville Board of Assessors 

It tells some things you've suspected. 15 cents a copy. 



The Jonesville Experience Meeting 

How the ladies earned (heir Jollars. 15 cents a copy. 



HUMOROUS RECITATIONS 



"Nothing Serious" 

Compiled by H. M. Doty. A book of carefully selected hu- 
morous readings and recitations. This book will be found 
very valuable by those who wish to provide entertainment in 
connection with regular meetings of granges or other organi- 
zations. The selections are new, at propriate and up-to-date. 
Price 25 cents a copy. 

Send all orders to 

HARRY M. DOTY, 

Chatham, N. Y. 



